How to differentiate typical shyness from excessive shyness?
We all can feel shy in some social situations (e.g., presenting a paper in class, talking to a group of people we don’t know, eating with other people, going to parties). This shyness is often related to the fear we have of others’ judgment. However, for some people, this feeling is greater and causes difficulties.
Excessive shyness is when social fears are exaggerated. This may be experienced in different ways, including an intense feeling of fear, crying, trembling, inability to speak in front of other people, and avoidance of social situations. Children or teenagers may be afraid of what others think of them and believe that others would be critical of them for feeling shy. Thus, those experiencing this type of anxiety often avoid, or try to avoid, social or performance situations (e.g., skipping class if they have to present an assignment, not going to parties). This in turn reinforces fear and causes distress.
Usually, children and teenagers are required to do some of these tasks at school, despite feeling painfully shy. Provide accommodation, such as allowing the student to present to the teacher individually. Negotiate a coping plan with the student that would help them face their fears gradually.
What can we do to help someone who is excessively shy?
- Tell them that everyone experiences social anxiety, to a greater or lesser degree, noting that there are ways to manage it;
- Teach them breathing techniques (breathing slowly and deeply reduces anxiety);
- Encourage them to face feared social situations, in a supportive way, monitoring their tolerance, and recognizing small achievements;
- Give incentives for socializing with peers and avoiding isolation;
- Let them know that you are available to help develop strategies to problem-solve and overcome their fears.
What are unhelpful responses?
- Downplaying the suffering or negative impacts associated with excessive shyness and their difficulties dealing with it;
- Ignoring avoidant behaviors (e.g., trying to avoid presenting papers);
- Pushing them to confront their social anxiety beyond their tolerance;
- Not interfering if there are indications that the student’s social anxiety is because of bullying;
- Use of alcohol or drugs to ease shyness.
Watch the video about excessive shyness
These videos are in Portuguese. However, you can go to the Setting, click on Auto-translate, select English, and click on CC to turn on the subtitles.