How to differentiate normal and excessive separation anxiety?
All children fear being away from their parents/caregivers to a degree, and this is a natural part of their development. Over time, such fear diminishes, and the child begins to cope better with being away from their attachment figures, which is very important in attending school. However, for some children and adolescents, this fear can be greater and cause problems.
Excessive fear of separation is an inappropriate level of anxiety, relative to the child’s age, when being apart from their parents/caregivers. This may be demonstrated in different ways: suffering when anticipating separation; believing that something bad might happen to them or their parents/caregivers while apart (e.g., illness, accidents, deaths); refusing to leave home; being unable to go to school, sleep away from home, or be alone; having frequent nightmares about separation; and presenting physical symptoms (e.g., headaches, stomachaches, and nausea).
What can we do to help someone who is excessively afraid of being away from attachment figures?
- Expose the child to separation situations (e.g., going to school) little by little, showing that it is safe;
- Teach them breathing techniques (breathing slowly and deeply reduces anxiety);
- Encourage them to face the fear of being away from attachment figures, monitoring their tolerance, and recognizing small achievements;
- Give incentives for socialization among peers and separating from attachment figures;
- Let them know that you are available to help develop strategies to problem-solve and overcome their fears.
What are unhelpful reactions?
- Downplaying the suffering, or saying things like “stop being a little baby”;
- Dismissing physical symptoms, saying that “it’s a psychological thing”;
- Not interfering if there are indications that the student’s fear is because of bullying;
- Making threats such as “if you cry you’ll have to stay here longer” or scaring them with bad things that have happened before.